How Our Control Issues Make Us Suffer

Photo by Amber Kipp on Unsplash

We all struggle with control issues.

One of the biggest lies that’s circulating in our culture these days is the idea that we can manifest anything we desire. If we focus on it, believe we have it already, and behave like we do, we will have it. So we try to control outcomes.

You may manifest some of the things you wish for by applying this formula, but many other factors also played a part in bringing your desired thing to you.

Another problem is the idea we have that if we can just research the heck out of something, we’ll be able to figure out the answer.

Sara and her cat

What follows is the story of a client (Let’s call her Sara) who has been struggling with a particular problem that’s consuming her time, energy, and peace of mind. In short, Sara is worried sick.

Sara’s beloved cat, Peeps, is sick. Peeps has had flare-ups of digestive inflammation for a long time. Sara ensures her pet gets the best care in terms of a combination of modern veterinary medicine as well as herbs, acupuncture, and energy healing.

In our sessions, we’ve uncovered a lot. Like many others, Sara too has let her mind drive every decision in her life. She listens to her mind, believes what it says, and prides herself on being able to figure anything out by bringing a dog-with-a-bone attitude to it.

But what’s curious about Peeps’ health is that it doesn’t seem to be “figureoutable.” Not a single vet or alternative practitioner has been able to put their finger on what exactly is the problem.

Peeps hits a rough patch, gets better, is happy and energetic for a while before she lapses again. Another flare-up that threatens her wellbeing.

Sara, like many of us, has used her mind to great advantage. She excelled in academics, got her Master’s degree, and is able to tackle pretty much every problem by going to Google and researching it until she gets to the bottom of it.

Not with Peeps, though.

And this causes her an enormous amount of frustration because of her love for her beloved furry. She cannot bear the thought of losing her animal.

During a session Sara said to me, “My mind is spinning. I wake up anxious. What if I’m missing something?”

“Is Peeps getting the very best treatment you can give her?” I asked.

“Yes, absolutely.”

“If you came to hear of something new, something that you could try, you would, correct?”

“Of course.”

“Doesn’t this prove that you’re doing absolutely everything you can and know right now?”

“Yes.”

“How can you possibly miss what you don’t know?”

Sara went quiet for a moment. And then, eyes filling up, she said to me, “But I have to know!”

Why trying to control our life isn’t working

This is exactly what trips up many of us, the belief that we can and must control what cannot be controlled, what is not ours to control.

• We can’t know what we don’t know
• We can’t rush what’s not ready to happen
• We can’t force a solution that doesn’t yet exist

Sara and I discussed her need to control, to argue with life, to fight what is. Doing this ensures one thing and one thing only: we create suffering for ourselves.

But I can’t just give up! you may think.

No. It’s not about giving up. You do have to surrender it into the hands of the Divine because outcomes are not in our control. Only choosing to accept is.

Whether our struggle involves control or seeking validation from others or not being able to receive support or love or money, our soul creates specific circumstances designed to test us so that we get the lesson which then eventually heals that pattern in us.

For example, someone who finds it really hard to ask for help and receive it may end up with a chronic illness where they’re forced to seek and accept help.

I asked Sara one final question before we wrapped up.

“Sara, what if Peeps’ suffering is in service to your spiritual growth?”

Sara is contemplating this question and is sitting with this reflection: Is my letting go of the need to control this situation what Peeps needs in order to heal?

What if Peeps in Sara’s spiritual teacher, the one that incarnated to cure her of the need to control?

Life will do everything it can to cure us of our obsessions, heal our neuroses, and restore us to balance. But we always have a choice: get the lesson or continue to suffer.

Are you moving through a situation that’s causing you struggle? Email me at uma@umagirish.com and sit in session with me.