How do you navigate a marriage when one partner must answer the calling of their soul?
When my mother died in 2009, I awakened to my purpose. Since then, I've been serving women who are in deep grief and guiding them to their soul's holy calling. In a magical series of synchronicities, I now find myself in a new season and expression of my purpose.
When I awakened to my purpose, everything about the old me fell away. It felt like the death of the old me because MY MOTHER'S DEATH WAS MY REBIRTH.
The Problem? My husband didn't recognize the new me.
My soul, which had been whispering to me, all those years, was now screaming at me. Serve, Serve, Serve.
I could not turn it off or ignore it. It was more powerful than I'm able to articulate here. I had no option but to obey.
I committed to my soul purpose, even though I didn't know what it might look like.
I was renewing my soul vows (that I'd spent all these years ignoring), even as I saw my husband stand by, wondering who I'd become.
On page 249 of my memoir Losing Amma, Finding Home, I explain my confusion in these words:
"Three months have passed since I returned from India. I am making no moves towards finding a job and have been dodging my husband's hints and queries. How do I tell a Type A guy that my heart's calling is to serve, that I cannot follow two masters, that I must choose between God and money? How do I find the words to convey that the only thing we leave behind is the essence of who we are, and what we mean to those we serve?
I have been tossing words in my head, trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my decision -- especially at a time when Ruki is eight months shy of graduating from high school.
I pray. I compose words in my head. I plan on delivering my little speech. I chicken out. I pray some more. I shed tears of frustration. I meditate. I plead with God to show me an escape route. The words have fled. I know I'm empty on the job-hunt front, but I'm full of purpose."
It's been twelve years since then. I've helped women all over the world. I've spoken at top-notch summits and conferences, and hosted retreats. I've written three books (two published by Hay House) and working on my fourth.
And, I've endured the heartache of walking a soul path, oftentimes a lonely journey. But in these twelve years, I've grown. My husband has grown. Our marriage has grown and changed and evolved into something new.
I've also had the opportunity to meet and talk to several women who are feeling called to serve their purpose but are in long-term marriages where their significant other is not on board.
If this is you, I get you. Your heartache is real. Your doubt and confusion are valid. How do you choose between wedding vows and soul vows?
In my new season of purpose, I will speak more about the grief and loss of this relationship dream. My intention is to create a safe container to guide you on this path so that you can live the life you came here to live, instead of hiding in fear and self-doubt.
And, NO. It does not involve you walking out of your marriage if that's not what you want
I want to hear from you. Please connect with me and let me know. Is this you?
Sending you big hugs!
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash